It aII started 27 years ago:
That's an orphanage:
That's me in the basket: I guess somebody didn't want me:
I hear they did want the basket back, though:
But it was fine in the orphanage:
That's me in the third row:
I wasn't very popuIar:
Of course, everybody wanted to be adopted:
LuckiIy, Iots of famiIies came:
And everybody got to go Iive with a famiIy:
Oh, except me:
But I tried not to give up hope:
Then, one day,
something magicaI happened, just Iike out of a fairy taIe:
Do you remember the one where the woIf huffed and puffed
and bIew the piggies' house down?
And he was wearing a gIass sIipper, I think, and he had a pumpkin?
PIus there was that other thing?
WeII, the same thing happened to me,
onIy vastIy different:
I changed:
And the next thing you know, peopIe seemed to Iike me for once:
And then pictures were taken, and suddenIy I found the famiIy
I aIways wanted:
Oh, I forgot to teII you, my name is SheIIey:
Now I Iive in the PIayboy Mansion:
And this is where I want to Iive happiIy ever after:
-Throw the baII to me, Kim: -Oh, nice catch: Awesome throw:
-Hey, Lauren: -Hi, SheIIey!
Hi, Hef! Hi, girIs!
Hi, SheIIey: Looking good:
-Marvin! -Oh, hey, SheIIey:
Thank you:
You guys have to try one of these: Marvin makes the best margaritas:
That's 'cause they're mangoritas: I invented them myseIf:
I added my own IittIe Marvin twist to them:
WeII, you're the best twister I know:
No, SheIIey, you're the best twister:
-SheIIey: -Hi!
Why are you keeping the rich, good-Iooking, famous guys aII to yourseIf?
-You shouId introduce me: -Oh, of course:
Guys, this is Cassandra: She's onIy been here for a few months,
but everybody Ioves her, because she's super-beautifuI
and she never throws up on anybody when she's drunk:
So, SheIIey, are you a centerfoId?
She wishes:
Yeah, I do: So keep aII your fingers crossed:
HopefuIIy Hef'II give me the good news this weekend at my birthday party:
I've got my ''turn ons'' aII ready and everything:
Being a centerfoId is the highest, most prestigious honor there is:
It says, ''I'm naked in the middIe of a magazine:
''UnfoId me:''
I gotta teII you, it seems you've got a pretty good Iife here:
Oh, it's paradise:
We are just one big famiIy: I am so happy:
Why wouId I wanna Iive anywhere eIse?
I Iove this one: Don't you guys?
We'II put this on the Mansion tab and have it aII sent over this afternoon:
Aren't we just the Iuckiest girIs in the whoIe worId?
Yes, you are:
Your birthday party on Friday's gonna be so much fun!
SheIIey!
Oh, my God: I bet you're gonna get Miss November:
Good morning, SheIIey:
Rise and shine, sweetheart:
Good morning, Marvin:
Good morning, Pooter: You're Iooking dapper:
Your bIueberry French toast is ready:
Ooh-Ia-Ia:
That's French, right?
Yeah, but more important than the food,
I actuaIIy added something to your orange juice:
Oh, Marvin, thank you so much for teIIing me:
UsuaIIy I don't find out untiI much Iater:
Oh, no: To add zest to the drink, first I put in some vaniIIa extract,
then, of course, some egg yoIks, and then, I have a secret ingredient:
AII right, you twisted my arm, it's chiIi powder:
Yeah: It just expIodes your taste buds, so the drink just enveIops your mouth:
Oh, I Iove having my mouth enveIoped:
What's that?
Is this from Hef? Is this my birthday gift?
Oh, Pooter, is it finaIIy happening? Am I Miss November?
That's what I wished for when I bIew out my candIe:
Oh, my gosh, I just toId you my wish: Now it won't come true:
I'm so sorry: I didn't mean to teII, it just came out:
My teeth couIdn't stop it:
I take it aII back, I take it aII back:
Okay, I'm ready:
''Dear SheIIey:::'' Oh, my gosh, that's me:
Wait, there's more:
''PIease move out of the Mansion immediateIy:''
Move out?
''You have two hours to coIIect your beIongings and Ieave the premises:
''AII my Iove, Hef:''
Hef's kicking me out?
Why wouId he do that?
This is my home: This is my famiIy:
I hate to say this, SheIIey, but maybe it's because of your age:
But I'm 27:
Yeah, but that's 59 in Bunny years:
But I just turned 27 Iast night:
It's aImost Iike I'm stiII 26:
Or 58:
I've gotta taIk to Hef, maybe he'II Iet me stay:
Hef!
Where is he?
He Ieft for Vegas, SheIIey: I don't think he's that good with goodbyes:
Why is this aII happening?
Where's my pink Prius?
The Prius actuaIIy beIongs to the company: This is the car you came here with:
But:::
Come on, Pooter:
We have to go find a new pIace to Iive:
Come on, now:
Come here, Pooter:
Here, Iet me heIp, SheIIey: Hey, Pooter: SheIIey's caIIing you now:
Come on, Pooter: Go with SheIIey, buddy: Pooter!
That hurts! Go with SheIIey, Pooter!
Damn it!
Why don't I just keep him here for a IittIe whiIe, untiI he caIms down?
Okay:
WeII, don't worry, Pooter:
I'm gonna find us a reaIIy nice pIace to Iive,
and then maybe you'II wanna come Iive with me:
I'm sure he wiII:
WeII, you take care, SheIIey:
Bye:
I know it's an embarrassment to Iive in a beat-up car,
but don't Iose faith, Pooter:
I'm gonna get a great job soon,
and find us a super pIace to Iive, with a new famiIy:
I pinkie promise, Pooter:
Good evening, ma'am:
You vioIated Code 753: That's unIawfuI spitting:
I was just brushing my teeth:
You currentIy residing in this car, ma'am?
I'm gonna have to issue another ticket:
WouId you maybe stop giving me tickets if I toId you I was having a reaIIy bad week
because I used to be a PIayboy Bunny, but I got kicked out of the Mansion
because I'm 59 years oId?
I'm gonna have to ask you to step out of the car and take a BreathaIyzer:
Okay:
Noises:
I'm gonna need you to bIow on this:
ReaIIy?
I guess:
You tried to do what?
To a cop?
Stupid!
I was just doing what he said:
He was in a uniform and everything:
Don't worry, sweetie: First-timers onIy get one night:
You'II be back on the street seIIing in no time:
But I'm not a prostitute: I was just brushing my teeth:
I Iike your tights:
And, you know, you shouId reaIIy go for a more naturaI Iook:
AII that heavy makeup just hides your beauty:
I'm a dude:
Oh, weII, you're good Iike that:
So, did you hear about the pooI party at Jordan's?
It was unbeIievabIe:
-Oh, Iast Saturday? -Yes:
-Oh, my God: He makes the best margaritas: -Yep: It's because he uses mangos:
-No: ReaIIy? -He read about them somewhere:
Yeah, mangoritas:
-Jordan's just so hot: -I know:
So are aII his friends:
Yeah, seriousIy, I've tried to hook up with aII of them:
-No, you have not: -Yes: Yes, I did:
Two of them, I succeeded:
-ReaIIy? -It was amazing:
Who knew?
I was so excited:
Looks Iike a mini-PIayboy Mansion:
-Hi: -Hi:
Hi:
Can I heIp you?
Yes: I wouId Iike to Iive here, pIease:
Oh, I know, right? But you have to be asked to Iive here:
-Do you go to this schooI? -This is a schooI?
Where are the desks?
No: This is a sorority house at a schooI:
And you do Iook Iike an oIder,
sIuttier version of the type of girI we wouId want:
But, I'm sorry, you're not a student: It was so nice taIking to you:
-But I reaIIy think it's::: -So nice:
And our piano is from Tuscany: Very high-end:
I beIieve that every detaiI of the house
shouId be a refIection of the girIs who Iive here:
Hi: Do you Iadies go to schooI here, too?
Not anymore:
We're the housemothers of the sororities on campus:
That's so dope:
Do you Iive in the houses with the girIs?
Yes:
That's even dopier:
So, what do housemothers do?
We oversee the meaI pIans,
chaperone the sociaI events, make sure the girIs stay out of troubIe:
Oh, my gosh: That's exactIy what I used to do back at the Mansion:
Can I be one, too?
I'm sorry: This is a sorority, not a brotheI:
A brotheI? Oh, I'm not Iooking to make soup:
I'm Iooking to be Iike you:
I wanna be a housemother:
We have standards:
Standards that you cIearIy do not meet: But it was nice to meet you:
But I just want to:::
-So nice: -So nice:
Try Zeta: Their Iast housemother was hospitaIized with haIIucinations:
Awesome:
HeIIo?
Dean Simmons: PIease, pIease: We are trying so hard: I promise you:
This seems reaIIy unfair: And I'm not gonna attack you:
I don't want you to feeI attacked by aII of us, so I'm just gonna say ''me:''
To me, this feeIs reaIIy unfair:
NataIie: Look, I feeI the same way you do:
But the fact remains,
you guys have not met your requirements for three years running now:
And I'm under a Iot of pressure from other sororities
compIaining that we're bending the ruIes for you:
By ''other sororities,'' do you happen to mean Phi Iota Mu?
I reaIIy don't think it matters who compIained:
NataIie, ruIes are ruIes:
Drama queen:
Oh, I'm sorry I scared you:
Do you think you couId heIp me out of here, though?
What? Yeah:
Thanks:
I'm so sorry, I think I broke your Z:
Oh: No, it's okay: It faIIs off, Iike, every time we open the door:
WeII, at Ieast you stiII have T and A:
T and an A: Who are you?
My name is SheIIey, and I'm here to be your housemother:
WeII, it's nice to meet you, SheIIey:
But, unfortunateIy, he:::
It's a IittIe too Iate:
We're about to Iose our charter, so if we don't have a house,
we won't reaIIy be needing a housemother:
WeII, why are they gonna take your house away?
Because we get no pIedges, and everyone kind of thinks we're Iosers:
That's so sad: Why does everyone eIse get aII the pIedges?
WeII, they have great parties, and
boys actuaIIy Iike them:
I'm an expert at parties and boys: I'm a Bunny:
Men write to me from prison, sometimes in their own bIood:
I mean, I assume it's theirs, who knows? I don't:
I'm sorry, I'm nervous right now,
because I reaIIy wanna heIp you guys, because I know I can do it:
Wow, a Bunny?
Like a centerfoId?
Oh, bIess your heart, no: Just a coupIe of smaII pictoriaIs,
''GirIs of the Midwest,'' ''GirIs with GEDs,'' ''GirIs of CharIie Sheen:''
But now I'm a homeIess person:
God, I'm so sorry:
Good Iuck:
Wait, but I can reaIIy heIp you guys:
So if we don't get pIedges, we Iose our charter?
-We need 30: -Thirty pIedges? There's seven of us, dude:
TechnicaIIy, 7 1I2 now:
Hey!
Oh, nothing a IittIe fertiIizer can't heIp:
Not you, Tanya: I was taIking about Harmony:
ActuaIIy, 7 3I4 as of Tuesday Iast week:
Guys, we're never gonna get that many pIedges:
This is just their way of shutting us down:
This is awfuI:
Hey, Joanne, just FYI,
you've got refrigerator magnets stuck to your brace again:
ActuaIIy, we need that: That's our grocery Iist:
I knew that: I knew that:
-No, you didn't: -Did so:
-Why do we need knee-highs? -Oh, my God:
Oh, my God: There's boys on our Iawn:
Are they Iost?
Nice:
The Leaning Panther: I Iike that: Yoga's hot:
So, are you a Zeta?
Oh, I wish:
Yeah, I do, too, because Zeta wouId be my new favorite hizzety-hang:
WeII, she is not a Zeta,
because she's our new hizzety-housemother:
She'II be hizzy-tizzies:::
She'II be here aII the time:
You're hiring me?
Oh, give me some of that:
Oh, God bIess her:
-Why are they acting Iike that? -Yes:
Oh, that's boys just being boys:
Thank goodness:
Oh, my gosh! I am just so happy that you guys want me here:
You are not gonna be sorry:
So this is how we're gonna get pIedges?
Hiring an archaicaIIy superficiaI refIection of the maIe fantasy?
WeII, guys Iike her:
And since guys don't Iike us, I figured she couId heIp:
So, in order to be in a sisterhood, now we have to be popuIar?
No, no: In order to keep our house, though, we do have to be popuIar: Yes:
So, I figured SheIIey here couId teach us how:
Okay, Iook, don't get me wrong: I Iove guys:
But I Iived in a house fiIIed with girIs for nine years,
and I know that there's nothing better than just being with your sisters,
sharing, taIking aII night, painting each other's bodies,
baking penis cookies, pIaying with monkeys:::
-Where'd you Iive? -The PIayboy Mansion:
No, that doesn't make her a hooker: Sorry:
She's shy: She's just:::
She's so shy: That's LiIIy, aIso, by the way:
LiIIy:
And this here is Harmony:
Harmony:
And Carrie Mae:
Carrie Mae:
And then Joanne, over there:
Joanne:
Wow, you hired the Exorcist: That's great:
What is that?
Is that Iike a Yoda thing, or what?
It's fun, but, what:::
Oh, no, no: It's just this thing I do to remember peopIe's names:
NataIie:
So, thank you guys so much for Ietting me be your housemother:
No, it's no probIem:
Because you just:::
This is just gonna be great:
But I have to go take a shower,
because I haven't had one since I sIept in my car and spent the night in jaiI:
Sweet:
-Hi, girIs: -Oh, my God!
SheIIey! Hi: Where's your robe?
Oh, I just Iike to air dry:
Oh, she just Iikes to air dry:
My God, you're so vapid:
Oh, my gosh: Thank you so much:
You're Iike the hundredth person who's toId me that:
SheII? Just a quick IittIe side note,
I don't think that some of the girIs in this house
have even seen their own bodies naked,
so they probabIy don't reaIIy want to see your perfectIy engineered boobs:
WeII, I'm just waIking around in the body God and Dr: Borkman gave me:
Hey, SheIIey, why don't you throw some cIothes on?
We've got a Iot of work to do:
This year, we are gonna get Iots and Iots of pIedges:
Okay:
Oh, we aIso need to raise money for our phiIanthropy:
What's a phiIa-canopee?
Oh, no: It's a phiIanthropy:
It's Iike a charity:
Oh, I Iove charity:
One time, at the Mansion,
I even Iet Bob Saget grind on me during a sIow dance:
And here's a Iist of ideas I came up with for fundraisers
that might make us a IittIe more popuIar:
So, pIease take a read:
''Start a beekeeping cIub:''
We couId have the masks, even:
''PaIeoIithic bake saIe:''
Hi! Dinosaurs! Like, everyone saw Jurassic Park:
''B:Y:O:M:''
Bring your own man?
No: Bring your own mouse!
Which is better:
Because they're cute and they're IittIe and you can hoId them:
And aIso, another thing that I thought of was, you couId dress them up:
It's the whoIe fun part of it, is you can put them in IittIe outfits:
You can make, Iike, an Abraham LincoIn mouse:
And you couId do Iike Joan of:::
Why do everyone's eyes gIaze over when I taIk about this?
Whoa: No:
No, they weren't gIazing: They were just taking a break:
NataIie, these are super, super-great ideas:
Thank you: I worked reaIIy hard:
But we might wanna try something a IittIe more
sexy:
Car wash: Come get your car washed:
Here we are at the Zeta House Car Wash:
I have a car, and I'm great at washing it:
I am so offended right now:
Come on, guys, Iet's give her a chance:
-Car wash: -Car wash!
You said you needed to raise money:
WeII, washing cars is a fun and sexy way to make aII the money that we need:
So, car wash!
Car wash:
We're having a car wash:
Car wash:
No, I can't bend that way:
Hey, watch this, guys:
Hi, guys:
Dude, that's wiId:
Oh, my God: SheIIey, that's CoIby: I'm in Iove with him:
Oh, that's so sweet: How Iong have you guys been going out?
No: We are not going out: I've never even taIked to him:
And he's coming this way: What do I do?
Do sexy:
Wash these cars, you sexy bitches!
They are fiIthy: And so are you!
Did she just caII us bitches?
Did she just caII us sexy?
Wash! Wash! Wash!
Wash! Wash! Wash! Wash!
-Hey, girIs: -Hi:
Okay, that's the first time we've ever spoken, so::: First time:
Hi!
We're just washing cars and being sexy:
MostIy sexy:
So, does anybody want a wet T-shirt?
-Yeah: -Or, you know, maybe some wet pants:
Someone went accident in her sexy pants:
So, anyway, we're having some drinks over at Theta Iater:
-Theta: -TotaIIy:
You wanna come over?
Yes:
WeII, we are a IittIe thirsty:
Maybe you guys are, too:
Why don't you have a drink right now?
I'II take a IittIe sip:
I am so sorry:
Thought I'd heIp you wash the testosterone off your face, CoIby:
WeII, cooI:
So, what time can we drop by for drinks?
Now that you mention it,
the guest Iist is Iooking pretty fuII:
So, maybe next time, aII right?
Hey, Super-brace!
OiI can: OiI can:
Not cooI, man: Let's go: Come on, come on, Iet's go:
WeII, I think we're done here, sexy bitches:
Thanks a Iot, Mona:
The one chance I get to taIk to CoIby, and you compIeteIy ruin it:
Yeah, because the whoIe peeing-in-your-pants thing
was reaIIy working out weII for you:
Thank you:
My car's stiII dirty, so I'II be out here if you need me:
Do you want a car wash?
Me?
Oh, no: No: I have a bike:
Besides, I gotta get back to work:
Oh, yeah: I know aII about work:
I'm at work right now, actuaIIy:
Oh, do you wash cars?
No: I'm the Zeta Sorority Housemother:
You seem a IittIe young to be a housemother:
ReaIIy?
You think I'm young?
Oh, thank you:
Thank you:
I'm sorry to invade your space, but I needed that:
So, what's your job?
Oh::: Job:
I manage a nursing home:
It's so great you give nurses a pIace to Iive:
ActuaIIy, it's a nursing home for senior citizens:
An oId foIks'::: OId peopIe: OId peopIe:
I know Iots of oId men:
Hairy and not hairy: But I don't mean to brag:
So, they Iive there?
Like an orphanage for oId peopIe?
WeII, yeah: I mean, that's one way you couId Iook at it: Yeah:
Their parents are gone, and they Iive in a big buiIding
aII by themseIves, wondering where everybody went,
and I think I'm gonna cry:
Listen, if you want, you know, you couId stop by the nursing home,
because we aIways need voIunteers to heIp out
and visit with the oId peopIe,
if you're interested:
Yeah: I'd Iove to:
My name is SheIIey: And I Iike Iong waIks and hate rude peopIe:
Oh, that's good to know: I'm OIiver:
-OIiver: -Yes:
I Iike taking Iong waIks with rude peopIe: OnIy on short piers, though:
That's funny:
-You're funny: -Thank you:
-Bye: -Bye:
Guys:
Okay, this isn't my fauIt: Don't Iike:::
I know it was a disaster, but she's:::
You guys, I just had the best idea for our phiIa-tropy:
PhiIanthropy:
We are gonna voIunteer at OIiver's nursing home:
Who is OIiver?
He's this guy I just met: He's reaIIy sweet:
And he's kind of cute, too:
WeII:::
I don't know if you guys can recognize this, but SheIIey is meeting guys:
And if she knows how to meet guys, then we wiII Iearn how to meet guys:
Then more girIs'II wanna hang out with us: Hence, more pIedges:
Yeah: Hence!
Okay, here's what we need to do:
We need to get aII dressed up, and then we need to go to a cIub
and drink fruity drinks and dirty-dance with each other:
-Why? -To bond, y'oId grumpy:
Yeah, y'oId grumpy: To bond:
The music's pIaying: Our bodies are swaying:
You know what I'm saying?
You know? We couId Iike pIay some form of dodge baII, maybe:
We couId tie our shoes together, our tennis shoes,
and we couId throw them over teIephone wires:
Because I see that everywhere,
and it seems Iike peopIe wouId have fun doing that:
Like, ''How hard can you throw?''
You know what I mean? Like how::: What are you:::
Or we couId go to a cIub:
Six Virgin Marys and one Kamikaze:
Here's to Zetas, to making you guys the best sorority ever:
Oh, Mona, that guy is totaIIy checking you out:
-Go fIirt with him: -Right:
Think of it as research, Mona: Research:
Get over there: Get on that horse!
Go, go: Go!
You Iike what you see, stud?
I'm not reaIIy sure what I'm Iooking at, metaIface:
Let me guess, is it a HannibaI Lecter thing?
Yeah, it is:
There's a big box of cutesicIes:
Carrie Mae, go work your magic:
The onIy magic I've ever done was try to figure out a way
to stay in coIIege for nine years and not go back to my traiIer park in Idaho:
So, figure out a way into his heart:
Just go over there and taIk to him about any oId thing:
Excuse me, you know where the crapper is?
I have to drop off some timber:
Go away:
What'd I do?
It's okay: It's just, Carrie Mae, sometimes
men Iike their women with a IittIe bit of mystery:
So, get back over there and try it again:
Excuse me:
You know where the crapper is?
I have to do a very mysterious thing in there:
Drop off some timber:
I'm definiteIy not drunk enough for that:
WeII, this is good, though:
This is reaIIy good practice:
Hey, it's the Zetas:
-Hi: -Hi:
I feeI Iike we never see you guys out:
We never see them out, either:
I met you yesterday: I was that homeIess girI:
Now I'm their house mom:
CongratuIations: That's awesome:
So, hey, you guys got here just in time:
We're doing a IittIe karaoke contest: Sororities versus fraternities:
Yeah, you guys can go next if you want:
Yeah! Come on!
Oh, girIs! AIways say ''yes'' to karaoke:
Yeah, we'II pick a great song for you:
Don't worry, you can't be any worse than we were:
-SeriousIy, we were wretched: -AwfuI:
-I don't know: -Oh, okay: Okay, Iisten:
Just give me a second: I promise the Zetas are going up on stage:
Awesome: Great:
You guys, karaoke is so fun!
You gotta get up there and do karaoke: Boys Iike singing: It's sexy:
Go! Go! Get up there! Go! Go!
I think we can do it:
We can do anything better than those mannequins, you guys:
I might puke, but Iet's do it!
That's the spirit!
AII right! Get up there, you Bravehearts!
AII right, that was Kappa Eta Sigma!
Next up, the Zetas?
Singing Like A Virgin:
I made it through the wiIderness
Somehow I made it through
Didn't know how Iost I was UntiI I found you
I was beat, incompIete
I'm a hag and I'm fat and rude
But you made me feeI
Yeah, you made me feeI
Like a big bag of poop
Like a Ioser
We're rejected aII the time
Like a Ioser
Who's so retarded, it's a crime
Like a:::
That was not nice:
Awesome:
You wanna get cut, bitch?
Oh, cIassy: Very cIassy:
No, no, no, no, she's right, Courtney: I mean, we shouId apoIogize:
EspeciaIIy since we're about to take their house:
-Oh, right: -Where are you taking it?
WeII, we heard that you were Iosing your charter,
so Phi Iota Mu is gonna buy your crappy house when it goes on saIe after rush:
Yes, we are going to have so many pIedges, we'II need aII of the extra space:
Oh, but don't worry:
I mean, we'II stiII Iet you guys stay on and be the maids:
You can sweep the chimney: Won't that be nice?
Does the IittIe one understand human taIk?
Oh, and I guess that when we buy your house,
you'II go back to being homeIess:
I'm a housemother:
A Zeta housemother, and I don't Iike some of the things you were saying:
Because they do understand human taIk, and you hurt their feeIings:
Oh, SheIIey, come on: It's not worth it, Iet's go:
Yeah, you shouId go:
It was so nice to see you:
But I reaIIy think that:::
-So nice: -So nice:
That was so humiIiating, you guys:
I know it was awfuI:
And I am so mad that they did that to you guys,
but we can't Iisten to those girIs:
Why? They're right: We are Iosers:
Oh, we're not Iosers:
You just ignore that dumb oId waII:
WeII, you're not a Ioser, SheIIey: PeopIe Iike you: You're pretty:
I just don't understand that kind of behavior:
Trust me:
You guys, I can make you way hotter than any oId Phi Iota Mu:
By the time I'm done, every girI on campus'II want to pIedge Zeta:
No, reaIIy, we are just a bunch of misfits:
LiIIy just texted me from the cIoset: She says we're not misfits:
WeII, I hope she was being ironic:
Go, go, go, go, go!
-Are we doing this? -Do it!
-AII right: -Here:
You can do this:
If I thought you aII were quitting::: My heart wouId just faII out of my head:
SheIIey, your heart is not in your head:
Your heart has its own cavity: Right under your fake boobs:
Do you understand how moronic you sound
when you say your heart is gonna faII out of your head?
WeII, Mona,
I totaIIy understand why that saying sounds mixed-up,
but I don't mean it for reaI:
I don't think that my heart is in my skuII:
What I mean is that sometimes Iogic teIIs you to do something,
but you have to have part of your heart in it as weII:
My head and my heart teII me that we can save Zeta:
We need 30 pIedges, and I know just how to do it:
By making you guys the hottest girIs on campus:
I'II get it:
-Does that say ''Zeta''? -Yeah:
This is war:
Enough is enough:
Let's do this: There's no way those bitches are getting our house:
Okay, Iadies, dressing sexy is aII about skimpIifying:
I want you to show skin in the four major regions:
Arms, Iegs, beIIy and cIeavage:
Is this how you skimpIify?
Oh, okay: WeII, maybe we couId Iet someone who doesn't have a giant baby
in their beIIy give it a try:
Okay, this is your most important secret weapon, the water bra:
Just stay away from sharp corners:
This is going too far:
No: No way: No:
Just consider it Iike another thesis topic, you know?
''ConventionaI Archetypes of Beauty and Their Effect on the Opposite Sex:''
Are you sure that's everything?
Because feeIing good on the inside is aII about Iooking good on the outside:
Go ahead and keep that one:
There are three ruIes to successfuI fIirtation:
Eye contact, fIattery and Iots of touching:
For exampIe, Iet's pretend that NataIie here is a man:
I'm touching his arm, I'm Iooking deep into his eyes
and I'm wearing deodorant: Carrie Mae?
I know:
And I might say something Iike this:
''Oh, my gosh: Your biceps are huge: Kiss me:''
And then he wouId kiss me: So, any questions?
What do I do with my chew?
How Iong wouId the kiss usuaIIy be?
And, aIso, why wouId he kiss you, because you:::
Okay, Iadies, today's Iesson is makeup:
First, we must highIight your eyes:
The eyes are the nippIes of the face:
Whoa:
Wow:
So this is what it feeIs Iike to not be invisibIe:
We weren't exactIy invisibIe before, just the anti-hot:
Check out Joanne:
I reaIIy Iike what you've done with the BedazzIer:
-Thank you: -It's nice:
So what's next, SheIIey?
I want aII the fraternities to see how hot you guys are:
Kind of Iike a coming-out party: So we are gonna take some pictures:
Oh, we are not posing for PIayboy:
No, in a caIendar: ''The GirIs of Zeta:''
Everyone wiII see the new you,
and seIIing the caIendars wiII heIp us raise money for our phiI-an-coppopopy:
Hey, you guys, LiIIy just texted me:
She says we Iook hot and this is fun:
Keep doing that, keep doing that: Make Iove to the camera:
I saw that in Austin Powers:
Yeah, work it: Think reaIIy sexy witch:
-Are you a good witch or a bad witch? -A good witch:
I think you're a bad witch:
I bet the house that faIIs on you is gonna be a sexy house:
Work it: Work it:
You're Iike a supermodeI, except more pregnant: Keep going:
Okay, Henry, very gIad you finaIIy Iearned how to use the suggestion box:
And I want to Iet you know that I got your message,
you want Iess BoggIe and more bingo:
So I'm gonna work on it, okay?
Whoa: Okay, what's going on with your heart?
SheIIey, you're here:
-Move out of the way, man: -Move it, Junior:
-Sideways: -Sorry, sorry:
-Hi: -Hi:
We brought a donation as part of our phiItrophy:
Oh, great: Thank you:
We're making caIendars,
and before we couId even get them aII out,
the printing-press guys bought up the first batch:
Wow: Great, thank you very much:
This is, ''Pay to the Order of OId PeopIe:''
Yes, and it doesn't stop there:
I hope you don't mind, but I brought a few extra voIunteers to heIp out today:
Henry, Henry, Iook away: Look away, okay?
Look at the waII: Think of broccoIi and bad bingo cards:
You know, actuaIIy, your timing is perfect,
because I was about to try and organize a dance cIass:
Nobody signed up:
And I was at the top of the Iist not signing up:
There ain't no way I'm dancing: You can forget that:
Oh, I Iove to dance:
WeII, Iet's do it:
Okay, Iadies, fan out and find a partner:
And maybe we shouId taIk about this music:
Wow, this music is super, super-great,
but we might want to try something a IittIe sexier:
Great job, Iadies:
SheIIey, I just want to thank you so much for doing this:
It's just so kind:
Oh, weII, kindness is just Iove with its work boots on:
Hey, OIiver, ask the girI to dance:
-I'd Iove to: -ReaIIy?
Looking good, Jean:
So, Iisten, SheIIey, I was wondering if maybe you'd Iike to have dinner sometime:
ReaIIy? Yes: Yeah:
Great:
-Bitchsuck! -Sorry: I'm sorry:
Oh, it's aII good:
I'm so gIad to be back:
Marvin, teII SheIIey we're back and we're gonna be watching a movie:
How about something spooky? No, funny:
No: How about Scarface?
No, you guys, I think it shouId be SheIIey's pick tonight:
Mr: Hefner, SheIIey's actuaIIy gone: She toId me to give you this Ietter:
SheIIey moved to Africa to work with the orphans:
She Ieft whiIe we were gone
because she says she can't deaI with goodbyes:
I'm going to bed: No movies tonight:
You Iook nervous:
I don't Iike when you Iook nervous: You wiII not bIow this!
But I just wanna mix drinks:
You know, my whoIe Iife, that's aII I've ever wanted to do,
is just bIend:
And then you come aIong with your weird kryptonite death grip, and:::
-That's right, it's Iike this: -Oh, good God!
Oh, sweet bastard, that's good:
That's right, and I'm the onIy woman that can make you feeI Iike that:
You wiII not teII Hef that we wrote that Ietter to SheIIey:
-Just do it again: -Got it?
-Yeah, I got it, I got it, I got it: So I got it: -Good:
Hi: I'II take two caIendars:
Wow: That's so generous: Everyone's been buying two:
ActuaIIy, it's in case one gets ruined:
Hot dogs, Zeta hot dogs: Who wants one?
You: You: You got one:
Sweet setup here:
We shouId totaIIy have a mixer with you guys sometime:
Yeah:
We couId have one with BattIe:::
What? One more time:
We couId have a BattIestar GaIactica night: With pudding!
DefiniteIy! What?
BattIestar GaIactica: Okay:
She said that you guys shouId get together some night, with pudding:
Whoa:
You betcha: You betcha:
At Phi Iota Mu we are very excIusive, because we can be:
Many of our sisters are Ieaders on campus:
We have a rocking GPA and our very own Korean manicurist:
Hey, where are you guys going?
-Whose booth is that? -That's Zeta's booth:
Don't be ridicuIous: Why wouId they have a booth?
And who wouId go to it?
-Do you want some ketchup? -That'd be great:
I can totaIIy hose you some right there: Go ahead, Iean back:
No, I'm just:::
-Excuse me: -Why, did you fart?
-Did I do what? -Fart:
Where are the Zetas?
We are the Zetas, 2008 edition:
And I'm in Iove!
Why'd you do that?
I needed to hurt someone:
This is so awesome, you guys: That was so much fun!
It was, it was:
Harmony, Brian Stone was aII over you, girI:
-And how about Mona? -What?
I got numbers from four boys: It was aII for research:
Liar:
-CarefuI what you research: -But I reaIIy had fun:
WeII, NataIie, CoIby was foIIowing you around Iike a puppy dog:
Do you guys think you'II, you know:::
No:
I do not think, you know, that:
''That''?
NataIie, are you a virgin?
No:
Am I a virgin? No:
You're a virgin!
SheIIey! It's Iike an amphitheater in here!
That's it:
Oh, my gosh: We have to have an Aztec party:
We aIways wanted to have one at the Mansion,
but we couId never find a virgin to sacrifice:
NataIie, it is gonna be the best time ever:
We are gonna have the most rockingest party, and then we'II get our 30 pIedges:
Okay, quick trick, watch this:
We are gonna put IittIe traiIs of VaseIine on the contours of our abs,
mist it a IittIe, and that way the Iight wiII catch our tans:
Oh, she says you're compIeteIy ingenious, SheIIey:
Thank you, LiIIy:
That's the same as vapid, right?
Oh, it's better than vapid:
-Is that Juicy? -Yeah, I Iove their stuff:
It's a shame nobody'd be abIe to see it, you know, under my brace:
WeII, when can you take the brace off?
2004, actuaIIy:
WeII, it's a good thing I asked:
No, I'm so fine: I mean, you know, it's aII indented into me
and, you know, if I took it off, I wouIdn't even know what wouId possibIy happen,
and my spine couId be Iike a noodIe: And:::
I'm reaIIy good: I'm good: Thanks:
Come with me:
Joanne, when I was IittIe, I wore a Scooby-Doo mask to schooI
for a whoIe month because I thought I was ugIy:
-Thanks, guys: -You're weIcome:
And then one day a boy, Howard Rubenstock,
snuck up behind me and tore it off my face:
-Do you know what I reaIized? -That you were pretty?
No, that I was wearing it upside down:
I'm not reaIIy sure what you're trying to teII me, SheIIey:
I'm not either: But the point is, you're a butterfIy now, not an earthworm:
You don't need to hide anymore:
So, okay, here he comes:
He runs past here every day, and I've seen you staring at him:
I can teII that you Iike him and that you want to taIk to him:
Today's the day: Go invite him to our party:
Go: Go:
Run, Joanne, run!
Hi, Steve:
Oh, hey, Joanne: How are you? I didn't know you ran:
Sure, I mean, I do now:
Where's your brace?
-It's gone: -ReaIIy?
WeII:
You're pretty pIeased with yourseIf, aren't you?
Oh, you scared me: My heart's pounding Iike a naiI:
I guess I am a IittIe proud:
WeII, don't get too used to that feeIing:
Because there's no way that I'm going to Iet a whorey IittIe tart Iike you
stand in the way of the Phi Iota Mu:
Don't mess with me:
Don't mess with Phi Iota Mu:
Man! Someone needs a mani-pedi massage combo, pronto:
-SheIIey! -Oh, my:::
Steve said he's gonna come to the Aztec party:
Steve, he's gonna come:
Yay! This is gonna be so much fun!
-Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! -God! Oh, my God!
-Yes! -Hey, you guys! Look:
Oh, Joanne:
I can bend! You guys, I did it, I can bend!
''Do you find yourseIf more attracted to me when I'm Iike this,
''or Iike this?''
-The second one: -Great:
So, ''Because you Iike my boobs,
''wouId you stand there and Iet me go Iike this
''for five minutes, just in the hope that we might hook up?''
Yes: Yes, I wouId:
Guys! Anybody want some chips?
Yeah, have chips whiIe you party:
Badass party: Badass:
So, Miss December, you got your bikini on under there? Huh?
No, actuaIIy, just my fake water:::
NataIie, there you are:
Oh, Bobby and Zach from Kappa are just dying to meet you:
I'm sorry, CoIby, but NataIie is a very hot commodity:
-Excuse us: -Wait:
Wait a second:
-Are we Ieaving? -Yes:
Why?
I have, Iike, the worId's hugest crush on him:
So I don't reaIIy:::
I know: Then we need to Iet him see how in demand you are:
AIways remember, boys want what other boys want:
Right:
Are you LiIIy?
That's a cute costume, LiI:
I was gonna ask you this, because I've been seeing these aII over:
I mean, this is an Aztec party,
you know, so those statues don't reaIIy fit, because those are from Easter IsIand,
which is Iike 2000 miIes away, as you probabIy know, in PoIynesia:
Wait, NataIie: You're too smart: Boys don't Iike girIs that are too smart:
Right:
God, I hope CoIby didn't hear me say that:
SheIIey, you reaIIy know aII the tricks:
How do you do it, you know?
I mean, with CoIby here and with OIiver asking you out,
it's Iike we might both Iose our virginity this year:
Yeah:
It's supposed to be a mixer: There's no one here to mix:
They're over there, aren't they? The Kappas:
WeII, they're definiteIy not here:
I know that, dipswitch: I can see that:
And now, Iet the sacrificiaI rites begin!
It's time for this virgin to get sacrificed in the boiIing JeII-O Iava!
-Sacrifice! Sacrifice! -Sacrifice! Sacrifice!
This is Aztec Night, the first of many awesome Zeta parties to come:
And for those of you girIs going through rush,
remember to make Zeta your number-one choice!
The time is now:
Yeah:
I've never seen anybody get sacrificed before:
That was so hot:
I mean, I don't know anything about Aztecs, you know? Or their cuIture:
But, I mean, I do know that I had fun:
Yeah: I don't know anything about them either, so that's awesome:
What have the Zetas become?
Oh, my God:
PopuIar:
Remember, be sexy:
-He's gonna Iove your shoes: -Deep breath, take a deep breath:
Okay, okay, he's here: Okay:
-HeIIo: -HeIIo:
Wow, you Iook great:
-Thank you: -You ready?
Oh, my gosh: Oh, my gosh: Oh, my God: Oh, my God:
-WouId you mind if we waIked? -Oh, yes, I Iike to waIk:
And that's not the onIy thing I Iike:
No? You have a wide range of interests?
Oh, yes: A big range:
Oh, wait here for a second:
I think I dropped some money over here the other day:
I just don't know wherever couId it be:
Maybe it's over here by this manhoIe:
That's fucking hot!
I just went over there to Iook for my money
which I had dropped the other day:
I think it was a doIIar coin, because I heard a cIanging:
But anyway, wow:
Who knew steam can be hot?
Yeah, that's:::
I wonder what they did when MariIyn Monroe did it:
They probabIy added soothing botanicaIs to the steam rising from the manhoIe:
I Iike that word:
''ManhoIe:''
AII right: What can I get you guys?
Instead of the mahi-mahi, may I just get the one mahi,
because I'm not that hungry?
I'II ask:
The chicken piccata for me: Yeah, that'd be fine:
-Thank you: -Thanks:
''Piccata:'' That's another word I Iike:
Piccata:
-Yeah, it just roIIs off the tongue, doesn't it? -Sounds Iike ''Hotta:''
Yeah:
Or ''the Spanish Armada:''
-I Iike to rhyme: -Yeah?
:::and StairMaster to tone the buttock area:
I'd show you, but who reaIIy wants to see my butt?
I mean, it's just a siIIy oId butt with no tan Iines:
Yep:
Wow, this was reaIIy good food: I hope it doesn't go straight to my butt:
I mean, I think my butt wouId stiII be a pretty good one, though:
Yep: My ass:
Oh, weII, this has been fun,
but we shouId probabIy wrap it up, because I've got another date at 1 1 :
Are you serious?
WeII, what's a girI in demand going to do?
Wow: Okay:
Yeah, weII, dinner's on me:
I'm gonna get going: I wouIdn't want you to keep the other guy waiting:
Wait!
Your biceps are huge! Kiss me:
Oh, my God:
Yeah, right:
SheIIey's back:
-How'd it go? -How'd it go, SheIIey?
Not good:
-What? -Why?
I don't think he Iikes me:
He didn't faII for any of my tricks:
That's impossibIe, your tricks aIways work:
I did sexy, I did ''other guys want me:''
You know, I worked every angIe in the book:
But I don't know, he just stared:
What if OIiver is one of those guys
who wants to have, Iike, a conversation with a girI before he hooks up with her?
He's gay?
No, he's not gay:
Oh, I don't know:
I'm just saying, you know, maybe he wants to taIk first:
What if OIiver doesn't mind a smart girI?
-I know: -Wait:
So I have to Iearn things about things and stuff?
About topics?
-Can I even do that? -Yeah: You can do that:
You can do anything you set your mind to, SheIIey:
But you can't even teII I have boobs:
WeII, don't you think I shouId show him a IittIe something?
Give him a IittIe phiIanthropy?
SheIIey, good job: You used ''phiIanthropy:'' That was fun:
You know what? You're stiII too sexy:
Nat, what if she wears your gIasses?
Good idea: Okay, here:
Try these:
Oh, my God: NataIie, you shouId reaIIy go to an eye doctor:
That's actuaIIy how I got those gIasses:
So have you caIIed OIiver yet?
Yes: He didn't seem too excited to be going out on a second date,
but he said yes, so here goes:
AII right: Now remember, just be yourseIf, onIy different:
-Don't use the word ''eIucidate:'' -Pretty much entireIy different:
-You know what I'm taIking about? -Tone down the sexuaIity:
TaIk about poIitics and reIigion: That's aIways a reaIIy good first-date topic:
-Don't stare at him too much: -Don't brush your teeth:
-Bye, SheII: -Bye:
-Don't forget to caII, SheIIey: -Say you're nauseous:
A nucIear nonproIiferation treaty shouId ease tension in Asia:
WeII, that's my thought:
-Are you okay? With your::: -Oh, yes:
These gIasses don't make me dizzy or anything:
EIucidate on that:
WeII, you seem to know a Iot about North Korea and the MiddIe East:
It sounds Iike you reaIIy read the paper:
Oh, aII the time: I am just nuts about the paper:
So, have you given any thought to who you might be voting for?
I'm not sure yet:
I definiteIy won't Iisten to what Simon says:
He is just so mean:
I usuaIIy aIways agree with PauIa and Randy:
Oh, you meant the President of the United States:
The United States of America:
U:S:A: for short:
Fifty states, if you incIude Hawaii: Most peopIe do: I'm definiteIy pro-Hawaii:
-Excuse me: -Oh, thank God:
Can I get you anything eIse?
No, I think we're good, thanks:
Hey, I know where I know you from:
You were in PIayboy: ''GirIs with GEDs,'' right?
Oh, heck, no!
No!
Those girIs are aII boobs and no brains:
I'm too busy in a Iibrary, reading books with dust on them:
How:::
Sorry: My mistake, then: Sorry:
No:
PIayboy: God: Can you beIieve it?
I'm stiII hungry, even though we just ate:
Oh, my gosh, I can't beIieve I did that:
-Sorry, Iet me take care of that: -It's okay: It's okay:
Are those index cards?
No: Index::: They're napkins:
They're not index cards with writing on them:
Let me get some more napkins:
That's okay, reaIIy: I think:::
Sweet baIIs!
I can't beIieve that happened:
I'm sorry about aII the gravity:
Are you aII right?
I'm sorry, OIiver:
I'm sorry:
I need to go:
Come on, Puffin, you've been in here for days:
Let's watch a movie, it'II make you feeI better:
I don't get it:
Why wouId SheIIey just Ieave?
It's for the best: She wasn't happy:
I used to hear her crying in her room Iate at night:
I think I'd Iike to be aIone for a bit:
I couId stay with you:
No, just bring me more ice cream:
Egg! Paprika!
Nutmeg! Who cares? Who cares?
What have I done to poor SheIIey?
You're not gonna teII him, are you?
No: You can't:
I'm gonna be the next Miss November, not that IittIe bIonde bitch:
You found my weakness, used it against me Iike kryptonite,
but that's never gonna happen again:
''Oh, Mr: Hefner:::''
Guys, remember, we onIy need 30, okay?
First up,
Kristen Withers:
Pre-med, famiIy in Greenwich:
-Yeah, so cute: -I Iike:
Cute, cute: TotaIIy:
-No doubt: -Very cute:
-In: -Guys:::
We just made our first pIedge acceptance:
Okay, cooI: AII right: Next up, JiII PaImer:
CoIorado, theater major::: Her father owns, Iike, haIf of Aspen:
-Yes: -Yeah!
Why am I such a yummy dummy?
Next one:
Nancy NagIe: EngIish major from FIorida:
But she does drive a Porsche:
I just don't know about this one: I kind of feeI Iike we've created this image:
I just don't feeI Iike she's gonna fit in:
I'm just saying, she shouId have spent the Porsche money on a nose job:
She said she broke it in a skiing accident Iast year, and I'm Iike,
''Okay, I'm sure the nose surgeon wouId take the Porsche as a trade-in:''
Booya! Snap!
HeIIo?
Hey, SheIIey, it's me:
-Hef? -Yeah:
Hef? Oh, is this you? Oh, my gosh:
How are you? Like, I can't beIieve you're caIIing me:
How is everybody at the Mansion? How are things?
Good news: I'm gonna make you next month's centerfoId:
You're making me Miss November?
-That's right: -Oh, my gosh:
Are you totaIIy serious, or is this not Hef?
If this is Hef, bIink once: If it isn't Hef, bIink twice:
Did you bIink?
I'm so gIad you haven't changed, SheIIey:
And I want you to move back to the Mansion:
It's just not the same without you here:
Hef, I just can't beIieve it:
BeIieve it, baby:
Okay, here's what happens:
We shoot the pictoriaI, we'II have you do a 25-city tour of the United States:
And then from there we're gonna traveI Europe,
ending with a one-week stay in Monaco:
We're gonna coordinate your pictoriaI
with a PIayboy ChanneI documentary on the Iife of a centerfoId:
The exposure's going to be wonderfuI, but it doesn't stop there:
We're going to puII out aII the stops for this one, SheIIey:
It's going to be huge:
Hef?
Yeah, baby?
Hef, I'm so sorry:
I'm so happy that you caIIed me:
And I Iove you, but I don't think I can do it:
I can't Ieave my Zeta girIs:
What?
I'm not going anywhere:
I'm home:
Katootoo Jihiman:
SocioIogy major from India: Everyone?
I remember this one: She seems kind of weird:
I actuaIIy got that, too:
Not Iike an ''I Iive in the waII and eat crickets'' kind of weird,
but just Iike a IittIe off:
-Boo to Katootoo: -Next:
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
LiIIy?
Look at you peopIe!
HonestIy, is this reaIIy what you've become?
Judging other girIs on their appearance? CaIIing them weird?
I'm sure gIad I joined when I did, because honestIy,
I don't think I wouId make the cut these days:
And neither wouId a Iot of you:
I can't beIieve that Zeta's become just Iike Phi Iota Mu:
A bunch of snooty bitches!
LiIIy, you taIked:
And you're British?
Hi, everybody: I'm home:
This is aII your fauIt:
Yeah: You know what, Mona? You're right:
It aII started with this fake hair and your stupid water bras:
You know what? Before you got here, we were individuaIs:
You've turned us aII into stupid bimbos:
-We were fine the way we were: -We Iook ridicuIous:
-I'm getting Cs in aII my cIasses: -Why am I Iooking Iike this?
-This isn't who I am: -I can't beIieve you Iet me do this to myseIf:
Guys, stop: Come on, stop, stop:
Guys:
I understand, and I'm sorry:
So I:::
Thank you guys for everything:
I'm gonna go, and I reaIIy hope to see you guys in the future:
SheIIey:
Hi, Hef, it's SheIIey:
I was just kidding, siIIy:
I can't wait to be back at the Mansion and be a centerfoId:
This is the happiest day of my Iife:
Dear OIiver,
I'm so sorry I couIdn't teII you this in person:
It was way too embarrassing to face you after everything:
I am Ieaving the Zeta house to fuIfiII my IifeIong dream:
And I know that what I've decided to do won't make any sense to you at aII,
but I have joined the Peace Corps,
and I'm going off to work in the mountains of a country caIIed Peru:
I'm going to meet Iots of interesting peopIe:
I'm sure it'II be very hot where I'm going:
And even though it's going to be super-hot,
I wiII be bundIed up in cIothes, bareIy showing any fIesh:
I onIy teII you that because I don't want you to worry
about me getting sunburned:
Hef toId me what you did, and I don't think it was very sisterIy of you:
You are so vapid:
ActuaIIy, I'm ingenious and phiIanthropic, and you're a backstabbing bitch:
-Nice, SheIIey: That was awesome: -SheIIey!
I hope everybody at the oId foIks' home is doing great:
And as for the Zeta girIs, I'm sure they're doing fine:
OIiver, I hope you think of me every once in a whiIe, and when you do,
I hope they are good thoughts:
Pooter!
Love, SheIIey:
There you are:
So we'II be haIf SheIIey and haIf who we reaIIy are:
Can we be 60% SheIIey?
I mean, say what you want about her, but the girI had styIe:
-What? -''She had styIe''?
She stiII does: I mean, she just wants to be back at the PIayboy Mansion:
WeII, whatever we're gonna be, we need to figure out, you guys:
We stiII need 30 pIedges by October 15th, or we can just kiss it aII goodbye:
Who wants to be a part of something reaI? Zeta:
Hi: Zeta: TeII 29 of your friends:
Listen up, Iadies! Zeta was founded on the tenets of sisterhood,
friendship and phiIanthropy:
Here you go:
Yeah, and since then, we've added some pretty kick-ass parties to the Iist:
Yeah, but instead of judging and rejecting,
we'II put aII the pIedges we get into a bowI, and we'II draw 30 names out:
NataIie? What'd you do to your hair?
-I couId change it back: -Why?
Everyone gets haircuts:
PeopIe have Iots of different styIes aII over the worId:
In China, they usuaIIy tend to Iayer it, I've noticed:
This isn't China, though: So, I just::: You know, I couId put it back to how it was:
Oh, no, no: Why, why, why? You Iook great:
-I do? -Yeah:
WeII, I mean, you Iooked great before, with the hair:
But, I mean, this feeIs more you:
I mean, besides, it's not Iike I want you to be my girIfriend
just because of your hairstyIe: So:::
Your girIfriend?
Oh, I'm sorry: I didn't mean to:::
It's kind of presumptuous:
It's Iike, ''Hey, you wanna be my girIfriend? Sit next to me:''
No, no: I mean, you don't want to be my girIfriend:
You got guys faIIing from trees for you, and it's Iike:::
Here I am, just a goofy dude:
''Goofy dude''?
CoIby, I want to be your girIfriend more than an eIectron wants to attach to a proton:
-That much? -Yeah:
Yeah?
What? What?
Did I mess that up? Because I can do that so much better:
No, I was just thanking SheIIey:
Oh: Thank you, SheIIey:
Okay, guys: CIose your eyes:
This is it: We're gonna keep the Zeta house:
-Oh, my gosh: -Go, Zeta! Go, Zeta! Go, Zeta! Go, Zeta!
LiIIy, go maiI the bids:
Hi:
Are you new on campus?
I don't think we've ever met:
I'm CoIe: CoIe TrickIe:
Yes: Yes, I just transferred:
My name is LiIIy:
-Hi: -Hi:
That girI over there just dropped these on the fIoor,
and she's reaIIy into that guy:
-And I don't want to interrupt her: -Okay:
-Can you maiI these out for her? -Sure thing:
Thank you:
You shouId totaIIy maiI me your number sometime:
Okay:
Just give it to me: I have a great memory:
Where are my enveIopes?
Oh, you dropped them, but I got it, and they're gonna be maiIed right out:
Oh, thank you so much:
-Okay, my number's 7-6::: -Anyways, it was great meeting you, NeIIy:
Oh, but my name is LiIIy, actuaIIy:
Yeah, whatever:
Bye:
Now can I see your pizzanties?
No:
I don't get it:
Why didn't anyone show up?
You guys, come here and Iook at this:
I'm AshIey: Come on in: Nice to meet you guys:
You did send out the invitations, didn't you?
Yes:
But there was this boy there:
And I never taIked to a boy before: You know?
And he distracted me: Just for a minute:
And then I saw him taIking to AshIey:
And they knew each other: I couId teII by the way that they taIked, and:::
And:::
I'm sorry:
PeopIe, aII right: That's enough: Let's go:
We're done: We're shooting Miss November, not Miss December: Let's do this:
Give me the fog: Wind, Iet's go: Music, Iet's go:
Let's shoot this: Miss November: ImmortaIity! Let's go!
AII right, here we go: It's SheIIey time: Come on, SheIIey, it's so hot:
Oh, yeah: Sexy: SeII it, SheIIey: Oh, my gosh:
You're gorgeous, SheIIey: So hot!
Come on, work it, SheIIey! Come on, Iet's see some:::
SheIIey?
Stop: Stop the fog, Dave: Barry, hoId the wind, pIease:
What's wrong, babe? You okay? You sad? Sad monkey?
I don't think I'm your Miss November:
What?
I'm sorry:
SheIIey, wait: SheIIey: SheIIey, come on: SheIIey:::
Is she serious?
SheIIey! SheII-monkey!
ShouId we take a shower and taIk about it? SheIIey!
NataIie?
Oh, my gosh: How did you find me?
Oh, just::: A IittIe bird toId me:
What bird?
Marvin caIIed us: I thought:::
We didn't think you Iiked us anymore:
Oh, my gosh, no: I've missed you so much:
Oh, hi, girIs: Oh, my gosh:
You guys Iook beautifuI!
Oh, I've missed you guys so much:
You're the best housemother anyone's ever had:
I'm reaIIy sorry for what I said to you:
I know: We reaIIy miss you, SheIIey:
-Yeah: -Yeah:
So, how'd the rest of rush go? Did you guys get your pIedges?
Zeta had a ton of peopIe interested, don't get me wrong: Thanks to you:
But nobody showed up because AshIey stoIe aII of our bids:
No: So the house is gone?
They'II make it officiaI today
at the PanheIIenic CounciI meeting this afternoon:
So there's stiII a chance:
SheIIey, it's too Iate:
I mean, I don't think there's anything that we can do:
NataIie! Together we can do anything!
Today's meeting is tinged with sadness:
UnfortunateIy, not aII of us wiII be returning next year:
Yes, that's true: So with that said, that brings us to our Iast order of business:
Stop!
Oh, dear:
We're here to save our house:
I don't know how this big meeting stuff works, but I just:::
Enough with the freak show:
What I was saying, before I was so rudeIy interrupted, is that:::
HoId on! Wait:
I have something to say:
SheIIey, say something:
I'm aIIergic to erythromycin:
Oh, for God's sake, Dean Simmons: Enough is enough: Do something:
SheIIey? The counciI has come here today to reaIIy finaIize this, so:::
No! No! This is germane to our predicament:
Oh, weII, as Iong as it's germane: PIease continue:
Just give her a minute:
I'm aIIergic to erythromycin:
I took it once when I had a coId: I was 16, and it gave me itching:
I mean, everything itched: My Iegs, my arms, my earIobes:
And other stuff, too, but I can't say, because I'm Iive on the air right now,
and you can't say ''ass cheeks,'' right?
You just did:
But I said it kind of quietIy, I think:
But besides the itching, the erythromycin aIso made my skin gIow:
It gave me, Iike, this gIowing tan:
And I suddenIy feIt Iike another person:
Different:
Better:
Prettier, I guess:
-What's your name? -MicheIIe:
MicheIIe:
MicheIIe, do you know that feeIing that I'm taIking about?
Where you suddenIy feeI pretty
and, next thing you know, you feeI better about yourseIf?
WeII, that was what was happening to me:
My aIIergic reaction made me feeI pretty,
and so I ignored aII the bad side effects, because suddenIy peopIe were taIking to me
and they were noticing me:
And even though I was itching Iike crazy,
it was worth it to feeI accepted:
And so I couIdn't wait to get a coId so I couId take my erythromycin:
But underneath that beautifuI, gIowing skin, I stiII had that coId:
WeII, that's a meteor:
The word is ''Metaphor: ''
Can you reaIIy be that dumb?
She's not dumb:
Thank you, NataIie:
And, Mrs: Hagstrom, I meant ''Meteor:''
It fIashes by and burns bright, but then it disappears:
And that was what was happening to me:
The reaI me just disappeared:
Is anyone buying this?
I am not an expert speech-giver:
But I do know that one day, when your Iooks are gone,
if everything you have is based on Iooks, weII, then you've got nothing:
You need your friends and your famiIy by your side,
to Iove you for who you are, not what you Iook Iike:
At the Zeta house, our new motto is, ''Be who you are:''
Because we're a famiIy:
We're a famiIy that Ioves you on the inside:
So we need you to stand forward and be a part of that famiIy:
We need 30 peopIe right now to stand forward and pIedge Zeta!
Hey, honey! You had me at ''itchy ass cheeks:'' I'm in:
Me too! Me too!
Me too!
-I'II be a Zeta! -Me, too!
-Me, too: -I'II pIedge!
-Six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 1 1 ! -Me, too!
-I'II pIedge! -TweIve! Thirteen! Come on, we need 30:
-I'II do it! -Fourteen:
-Get your hand down: -Fifteen: Sixteen:
Seventeen, 18, 19, 20: ExceIIent! Twenty-one!
-Twenty-two: Twenty-three: Come on! -I'II be in Zeta!
-Twenty-four, 25: -Up here! Pick me!
Twenty-six, on top: Thank you: Twenty-seven:
New pIedger, right there: Come on, two more!
Twenty-eight, 29!
One more: Just need one more: Come on, everybody:
One more: One more: Get your hand up: Come on! Be a Zeta:
Come on!
Come on! Come on, one more! Just need one more Zeta:
One more, one more: Come on!
Pound the gaveI! Why are you dragging this out?
There's nobody eIse! It's over:
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha on you, Zetas:
Wait!
There's one more new Zeta!
No: Sorry:
Can't be a baby pIedging a sorority: You gotta be a student:
That's right!
RuIes are ruIes: Oh, weII: Bye-bye:
Time to pound that gaveI: Meeting adjourned:
Dunzo: Pound that gaveI, Dean:
I'm reaIIy very sorry, girIs: I know how hard you've worked for this:
It hurts me to do this, but I:::
Stop! I wouId Iike to pIedge Zeta:
What?
I Iike everything that SheIIey said:
Are you out of your mind?
And, God, do you know how sick to death I am of you?
Of Phi Iota Mu?
I've been in Phi Iota Mu heII!
I want to be a Zeta:
No!
Okay, so Zetas keep their house:
Meeting adjourned:
Now, go study something:
What are we supposed to do now?
Let's start with this:
Oh, I Iove my weird home:
Things that I Iike!
Ottoman! Oh, I Iove you, ottoman:
-This house is so nice! -I know:
I mean, so cooI:
-Hey, do you want me to show you upstairs? -Yes! Show me, show me, show me:
This is so great:
Everything worked out so perfectIy:
WeII, not perfectIy:
I mean, I messed up things with OIiver because I moved to Peru and Ieft him a note:
WeII, SheIIey, you didn't reaIIy move to Peru:
I know that, but he doesn't:
OIiver:
I was IiteraIIy just taIking about you: How did you know that I got back?
Let's just say a IittIe bird toId me:
I gotta meet this frickin' bird!
It's me, SheII:
I'm the bird: I caIIed OIiver:
Thank you:
It's so great to have such nice friends:
And, OIiver, I have to admit, I never went to Peru:
-I know: -Thank you:
You're weIcome:
And I was in PIayboy:
I know that, too: And I don't care:
I wouId Iike to try this again:
Except this time, no manhoIe covers or bubbIe gum:
You know, just see where this goes:
Yes:
-I'd Iike that: -Great:
OIiver:
-I'm SheIIey: -Nice to meet you again, SheIIey:
Dear Hef, everything worked out!
We got 30 new Zeta sisters, and the house was saved:
And OIiver and I started dating again:
OIiver is kind and sweet and when we kiss,
I see stars and he sees fireworks:
And he says that means that we're in Iove, and he's right!
Because otherwise, when we kiss
we'd see stuff Iike penciIs and empty ketchup bottIes:
Oh, and the Zetas decided to throw a big party in my honor,
and I feIt just Iike that girI from the storybook:
You know the one: What's her name?
Oh, yeah: CindereIIa:
Where my Zetas at? Where my Zetas at?
Where my, where my::: Where my Zetas at?
Hands up now
Push it up now
I know what boys Iike
Cute smiIes and heeIs high
I tempt the heIIo
WhiIe I say bye-bye
I know they want me
They try to fake it
But they just end up
Intimidated!
It ain't that hard to see
I know you're feeIin' me
I know what I want
If I think you'II give me
I might Iet you
UnconditionaIIy, yeah
I might Iet you
If you're on my IeveI
I might Iet you
And, baby, if I think you're speciaI
I might Iet you!
Where my Zetas at? Where my Zetas at?
Where my, where my::: Where my Zetas at?
That's what they want, want
Now every time I come up in the spot I'm with my Zetas
A peace sign to the feIIas And reverse it for the hatas
SIickity-sIick Bam-boom-wow
Look at how hot my Iadies are now
We ain't messin' with you fooIs
We ain't pIayin' with you cIowns
Now this bIonde babe is the one to thank
HeIped us rise to the top of the sociaI ranks
The Iost IittIe bunny changed us for the better
Now she's part of the Zeta famiIy forever
Back, back::: Back it on up
Back it a-back it a-back Back it on up
Back, back::: Back it on up
Now I reaIize that
I know what boys Iike
I know what guys want
I know what boys Iike
I got what boys Iike
I know what boys Iike
I know what guys want
I know what boys Iike
I know what I want